Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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