Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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