3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
no you cant smoke seaweed
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm too high and old for this...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
