plz talk dirty to me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
