I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
