Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
