Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
