I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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