Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
