found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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