i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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