She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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