I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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