How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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