I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
