I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
