So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize