dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
