Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Randomize