he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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