I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
