i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
