So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize