my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
