He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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