remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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