Your face is a jimmy john
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
