I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
