FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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