It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
