If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
being pregnant is like rehab
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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