My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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