i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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