I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
