Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
