I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
