What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
