I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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