Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
