Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
