It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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