I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
