Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
