So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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