I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
