so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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