No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
