I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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