I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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