So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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