using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
