i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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