Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
