I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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