The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
