Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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