So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
