I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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