nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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