We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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