nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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