Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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