my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
