I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
