This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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