Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize