I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
