...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
