i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
