My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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