woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
