Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
