he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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